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My Dogs' New Year
Resolutions
-------------------------- by Stephen 'HAHA'
Hunt
Imagine my surprise as I dreamed that my dog was making his
list of New Year's resolutions. In the dream my dog was sitting at my
computer. I had woke on the day of December 31, 2000 and had totally
forgotten it was New Year's Eve until I saw my dog typing his New Year's
Resolutions for 2001.
Imagine my surprise! I didn't even know that
he could type. I also didn't know that dogs made New Year's Resolutions,
did you? Curiously I peeked over my dog's shoulder and read, "This is the
year that I will not throw up in the car. I know I said that last year but
this year I really mean it. This year I am serious about my New Year's
Resolutions. This year I will not secretly chew my Stephen's toothbrush."
I had suspected someone had been using my toothbrush! I read on, " I
will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones that cause my
people to think that I am hemorrhaging (bleeding
internally)."
He continued to type, "This
year;
* I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' poop. It gives me bad breath. Yes,
this year I will remember that the litter box is not a cookie
jar.
* If I can't stick to this resolution and I do
break down and eat a 'kitty treat' I will not lick my human's face after
eating another animal's poop. I imagine this will give my human much
joy."
He was right, I thought, "How thoughtful of him to
pledge not to eat poop and lick my face."
I read further as the dog typed frantically,
"* This
year I will not play tug-of-war with underwear when people are on the
toilet. If I forget this resolution I will blame it on the
cat.
* This year I will try to remember
that the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff I do not need to bark
like crazy every time the garbage persons come to
visit.
* This year I will not wake up Mommy by
putting my cold, wet nose on her warm butt at least not too early in the
morning."
Mommy? I thought, "Wait I am not married! Who is Mommy?"
I wondered could I be dreaming or was this not my dog typing here on my
computer?
Still peeking over the dog's shoulder I was shocked to
read,
"Oh, heck who am I kidding. I am not perfect I am just a dog.
I love to stick my cold wet nose on her warm butt and I love to eat cat
poop. Crayons are fun to eat, it is cold shaking rainwater off outside and
tug-of-war with underwear while people are on the toilet is my favorite
game. I am a dog! I love to drink from the toilet and use the sofa and
people's crotches as a face towel. I know my head does not belong in the
refrigerator and I know mommy hates it when I steal her underwear and
dance all over the back yard with them but I am a dog. I am a
dog."
I had to admit this creature sure sounded like a dog as I
read what he typed, "At least I do not smoke or drink to much and I
never drink and drive. I don't want to set myself up for failure so this
year I will make my New Year's Resolutions easier to attain. This year I
will not strive to eliminate the habit of eating from the cookie jar
called 'the cat box'. This year I will not attempt to stop drinking from
the toilet but what I will do is not take it so personal when my human
freaks out at my being a dog. I will accept my humans and their odd
behavior and their frustration with me being a dog. I will love my humans
unconditionally this year even when they piss me off. As I reflect upon
the last year I see good and bad times and I realize the new year will
have more of the same and that is OK. I guess my New Year's Resolutions
for this year shall be,
#1. This year I will not drink and
drive.
#2. I will give up smoking.
#3. I will not eat escargot
(snails)."
Then the dog turned to face me and he said with a
smile, "Yes, those sound like three New Year's Resolutions I can
do."
Perhaps, the one of the strangest thing about this dream was
that my dog didn't smoke, drink or eat escargot. Even more odd is the fact
that I didn't even have a dog. Nonetheless, those were my dog's New Year's
Resolutions. So, this year if you see a dog, drinking and smoking and
eating escargot you can know it is not my dog!
Happy New
Year, Stephen 'HAHA' Hunt |
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